I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
