I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
