it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
