Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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