I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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