What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
