My cat gives me a boner
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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