oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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