Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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