I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think my fart just growled at me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
