so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
