does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
