i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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