wat bout pragnant strippers??
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
