True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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