Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
