You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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