I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
