Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
