I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
