She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Randomize
