I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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