i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
