i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
