I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
