if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
