I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
