i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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