why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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