and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
