He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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