cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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