I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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