awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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