life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we made out on top of his cat.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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