would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
