how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
