i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
