Who wears a wallet chain?!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
