Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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