you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
