i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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