Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
