How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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