my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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