Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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