I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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