After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
