so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
