Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the day after is always just damage control
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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