Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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