I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
