Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
