cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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