a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Randomize
