dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
