its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
