im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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